A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' 
	The doctor says, 'It's because of old age' 
	The woman says, 'Doctor, I want a second opinion.' 
	The doctor says: 'Sure - you're ugly too' 
	-- Tommy Cooper 
	
	 I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but 
	 when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check 
	 my balance...she leaned over and pushed me. 
	-- Anonymous 
	
	I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 
	-- Steven Wright 
	
	I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. 
	So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. 
	-- Steven Wright 
	
	Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, 
	who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes. 
	-- Billy Connolly 
	
	Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery 
	acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let 
	the other one off. 
	-- Tommy Cooper 
	
	My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 
	sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell 
	she is. 
	-- Ellen DeGeneres 
	
	 I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. 
	 I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone. 
	-- Tommy Cooper 
	
	So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He 
	said "My dog's died.'" 
	-- Tim Vine 
	
	Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a 
	library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at 
	you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone 
	joins in. 
	
	Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find 
	out later she has money. 
	-- Bob Monkhouse 
	
	I once dated a famous Aussie rugby player who treated me just 
	like a football; made a pass, played footsie, then dropped me 
	as soon as he'd scored. 
	-- Kathy Lette 
	
	A man explained inflation to his wife thus:
	'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. 
	There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.' 
	-- Lord Barnett 
	
	Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only 
	way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting 
	a riot. 
	-- Dick Gregory 
	
	When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year 
	and a half. 
	-- Gracie Allen 
	
	Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, 
	people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. 
	That's the Secret Service.'  - Jay Leno
		
	"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to 
	let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry. 
	
	"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife." 
	- Groucho Marx.