"I want to die like my grandfather did, peacefully in his 
	sleep....Not yelling and screaming like the passenger in his 
	car" 	
	
	I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted 
	- George Best 	
	
	"I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons." - Douglas Adams." 	
	
	"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me 
	happy." - Spike Milligan. 
	
	"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife 
	you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." 
	- Socrates. 	
	
	"If your left leg was easter, and your right leg was 
	christmas, would i be able to meet you inbetween the 
	holidays?" - Josh Longden 	
	
	I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything 
	- which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the 
	nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.  
	- Seinfeld
	
	Your son may be an honor student, but you are still stupid 
	- famous bumper sticker
	
	War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 
	- Bertrand Russell
	
	Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the 
	richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. 
	- Robert Orben
	
	An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the 
	older she gets the more interested he is in her. 
	- Agatha Christie
	
	Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against 
	Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to 
	bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no 
	oil! ~ Golda Meir
	
	With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her 
	birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter 
	joined me. 
	-- Rodney Dangerfield 
	
	When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. 
	Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I 
	stole one and asked him to forgive me. 
	-- Emo Philips 
	
	I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out 
	he was on parole for it. 
	-- Monica Piper 
	
	I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he 
	was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass 
	the salt. 
	-- Eric Sykes 

	I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my 
	wife to go swimming. 
	-- Jimmy Carter